Hi-Fi Marriages

Many people are fans of Hi-Fi music, or high fidelity sound. What makes Hi-Fi sound so unique, is its complete trueness to sound. Having a high amount of fidelity means it is as close to the real sound as possible; including all imperfections. When listening to a Hi-Fi sound, you may hear an occasional squeak from the guitar fret, or the scrape of the musician's shoe on the ground, or a mistake in the performer's voice. Listeners enjoy this style because of the raw effect, the truthfulness in the talent of the musicians.

How does this relate to fidelity in marriage? In simple terms, in marriage, you receive a trueness of another person. You witness all perfection, all imperfection. High fidelity in marriage also translates to meaning complete truthfulness of yourself. It's a complete dedication of your goods and your bads to your partner.

I don't find it necessary to relay the statistics of people's well-being in marriages where fidelity is broken, because it's well-known that it's not good. One fact that may not be well-known, is that a full disclosure of yourself to one person who in return, gives full disclosure of themselves, brings a complete happiness that matches the description of "perfect" in the scriptures. A "perfect" that means complete, whole.

Lobster or Turkey: How Traditions Matter

My dad's dad, affectionately called Pop Pop, hated eating turkey. He felt that every single holiday consisted of a turkey dinner in his home. When he raised his own family, they celebrated Christmas with an array of seafood...because turkey was overrated. My dad and my mom continued that tradition early after their marriage, but transitioned into a prime rib dinner instead.

Traditions are funny, because they can make or break relationships. Why are people so attached to set ways? Especially Christians, who believe in changing for the better! Traditions have been studied, and the findings conclude that traditions strengthen relationships. There's a sense of security in knowing that the same people enjoy the same things in the same way with you each year.

Because traditions are so closely tied to relationships, it's no wonder newly married couples have a hard time agreeing on them. Each spouse may be so closely tied to their family's original traditions that they find it hard to budge. When faced with the dilemma of choosing traditions or creating new, what's a family to do?

Traditions are patterns of behavior that are derived from values. Think of common traditions, and analyze them to what their true purpose is. You'll find that it boils down to a core value that the family is trying to instill. So in an effort to select or create traditions for a new family, first establish what values you want. Then build from there!

Greek (and Terri) Thoughts on Love

Defining what love is...well, it’s hard.

There are lots of opinions floating around varying in cultures, ages, religions, etc. For example, Mulan’s family might say that love is bringing your family honor. A kindergartner might say that love is chasing someone at recess. A Christian might say that love is sacrifice. The list goes on!

The Greeks noticed the evolution of the word love, and postulated four definitions that can help us understand what someone could possibly mean when they say they love tacos as well as their spouse.

Storge (Store-gay) is maybe the most familiar form of love, and that’s a love comparable to that of a parent to its child. Storge love is no respecter of persons; a person (the child) could be stupid, smart, rude or kind and the loving individual (the parent) would still love them. Even if the love is unreciprocated.

Philia (Feel-ee-uh) is most easily understood as a love between friends. Philia between a man and a woman would equate to a platonic relationship. Love between friends is deep, strong, protective, but not romantic.

Eros (Air-ohs) is the most popular version of love. It is the erotic, romantic, chocolate and flowers, snuggling, kissing, heart beat quickening, nervous chatter, sweaty palms, and RomCom love. It’s important to understand that it is above lust, however. Lust is not love. Eros is a love where feelings take over.

Finally, Agape. This is a selfless love, one which the loving person desires nothing but the best for the well-being of others, whether they are close to them or not. This can be closely associated with charity, or the pure love of Jesus Christ. Many Christians look to Christ’s example of Agape love because of His pureness of heart in giving his life to help others live freely.

In terms of marriage, it's not fair to say which Greek definition of love is the “best”. Can you see how each definition plays an integral role in a marital relationship? When it comes to defining love, packaging it into one short-and-simple line of a Hallmark card limits our capacity to love. Because if we think that love is only available in a romantic relationship, we may label ourselves as incapable to love if we have no boyfriend or girlfriend or marriage. If we think that love is having protective feelings for our spouse but no attraction, our intimate relationships will wane. If we think that love is when maintaining strong relationships with family members, then we mistake periods of estrangement for hate.

The Greeks were on to something, and that is that love is fluid. If you believe love is good, and that you should have it at all times, then these four definitions will help you maintain your goal. I’ve learned that when I spend too much time trying to define love, I lose it. When I spend my time trying to feel it, I find it.

When do you feel love?

Therapy Thoughts on Same-Sex Attraction

I’ve sometimes wondered why homosexuality exists. Most often, I’ve reduced my conclusion to, “That’s just their path of experience, I guess.” I didn’t really think much of it because I haven’t experienced it. I know people who have, and it’s never affected my relationship with them. All in all, I didn’t ever care that much.

My apathy changed directions when I recently watched this video, titled Understanding Same-Sex Attraction, produced by an organization called Family Watch International. This video interviews several men who have changed from being homosexual to heterosexual, and what that process entailed. What caught my attention the most was an acute definition given to explain what exactly homosexuality is, and how it occurs.

That is, that homosexuality is the sexualization of unmet fundamental emotional needs.

It’s often hypothesized that homosexuality comes from genetics. One study done observed a large number of identical twins, who have identical genes, and found that only 11% of the sets of twins displayed homosexuality in both twins. This discredits the idea that homosexuality is genetic, so it leaves us to hypothesize what in people’s environments affects their sexual orientation.

The above definition of homosexuality floored me. I have actually heard a similar definition from Dan Oakes, a popular therapist who specializes in addiction recovery. He teaches that for every fundamental need the body has, there is a physical urge that indicates that need isn’t met. When we need energy, we feel hunger. When we need love and affection or to feel connected, we feel sexual urges that attract us to people. When working with pornography addicts, Oakes mentioned that the most successful practice to overcome that tendency is for the afflicted person to call a friend or family member just to talk in the midst of powerful urges. Just in exchanging conversation with people that are important in their lives promotes feelings of love and acceptance, thus relieving the sexual urge and desire to view pornography.

In the case of homosexuality, the urges indicate the same unmet needs. It’s some researcher’s belief that people who have heightened same-sex attraction are quite similar to people that have heightened opposite-sex attraction. The difference is that most people who have same-sex attraction were either subject to some form of sexual abuse early in life, or they lack acceptance by their same gender to the point of emotional damage.

Another important thing to understand about people with same-sex attraction, is that they are not always subject to depression as most people imagine. Devout advocates for marriage between a man and a woman often believe that depression in homosexual individuals is an indication that they are living incorrectly. Then how do we explain the majority of homosexual people that are completely healthy and content with their lifestyle?

Remember this, depression is a physiological response to when one’s expectations and hopes do not align with reality. People who perceive that they SHOULD be married to someone of the opposite sex, but who feel same-sex attraction, are more likely to experience depression than someone who EXPECTS to be married to a person of the same sex and is in fact, living in that manner. Clinical depression is about what individuals perceive as normal and what’s happening, not what others perceive as normal for them.

This is obviously just one theory of how and why homosexuality exists. Of all the research I’ve read, I gravitate towards this definition the most, simply because it demonstrates how closely all humans relate. Each one of us is desperate to feel loved and connected, and it helps fuel compassion and understanding to know that there is little that separates people of different sexual orientations.