The Deal With Punishing Children

Let's iron out this first issue. "Punishment" is used in psychology talking about training animals. Children are not animals. Parents should not implement punishment, they should regulate consequences.

Parents often find themselves in a battle of whether or not they should interfere with children's dumb decisions. Michael Popkin, a revered expert in parenting, offers some advice in this area. He suggests that parents take a very hands-off approach when it comes to allowing their children to learn by trial and error. After all, it's argued that one of the best ways to learn is by your own mistake. However, that suggestion comes with a big fat, BUT.

Children do a great job learning from natural consequences of their actions. For example, let's say a child leaves his bike in the lawn overnight. The next day, when his bike is rusted and non-functioning, he will remember not to leave his next bike on the lawn. Popkin explains that there are three scenarios in which parents should, in fact, intervene and implement consequences. LOGICAL consequences.

1. If the natural consequence is dangerous for the child. Example: a child wants to do drugs. That's dangerous. A parent should intervene.
2. If the natural consequence is too far in the future to effectively be the teacher. Example: a child doesn't want to go to school. They desire to drop out. A parent should intervene...because a child wouldn't be able to learn from this mistake until many years later.
3. If the natural consequence affects another person besides the child themselves. Example: a child keeps a friend out past their curfew. A parent should implement a consequence if the child doesn't understand their fault.

It's only under these three scenarios that Popkin feels it's allowable to implement LOGICAL consequences. So then, what is a logical consequence? A logical consequence is one that can be reasonably connected to the offense. It's illogical to hit a child for leaving the milk out. It IS logical however, to not allow them to drink milk the next time they ask for it...considering they might have ruined the milk.

How children feel around their parents greatly affects their well-being. With Popkin's idea of only implementing consequences when absolutely necessary, children will feel more trusted, more loved, and will be able to develop in a natural manner.

How the Industrial Revolution Ruined Families

Take a quick peek into history and think about the pattern of work and the family. In ancient times, what were the careers of most fathers? What about most mothers? Even children? With very few exceptions, families throughout history have been together in their daily life. The nuclear family in the early 1800s would most likely consist of a father who farmed, a mother who farmed, and children who helped farm. This situation, having little to no variation, allowed families to spend the majority of their time together.

Contrast this scene to today's nuclear family. A father who has a day job, a mother who may also have a day job or works at home, and children who attend school during the day. How did we go from families who spent their entire lives together to a state of established independence from one another?

The Industrial Revolution was the first major implementation of what I call "optimization". Optimization is the process of making every part of a system function to its greatest capacity, in a system where production is at its greatest capacity. It's utilizing every part. It's become the most efficient. It's organizing in a way that gets the most results. It's....intense. Men, women, and children were offered jobs for pay in which their unique skills were utilized...apart from each other. In regards to the purpose of families, the purpose of growth and learning and strengthening friction, can you see how this change in organization affects relationships?

I don't think it's wise to analyze this situation we are in with only a lens of disgust. I don't think the Industrial Revolution has ruined families' chances for growth, love, and healthy relationships. However, what adaptations need to be made so that families can still fulfill their purpose in today's world of optimization?

"Out of the Abundance of the Heart, the Mouth Speaketh"

How often have you tried to explain a thought process or an idea, but you feel like it just didn't sound the same way it felt in your brain? It's so easy for us to feel required to speak. When someone asks a question, when we feel we need to address an issue with someone, when we are in another's company in there is silence. However, how often do we speak and we are not really listened to, or understood? 

There is a great power in the words we choose to use, as well as all other forms of communication we convey; such as tone and body language. I have been a long-time fan of this particular TED Talk, and I would love to share it now.

Julian Treasure: How to speak so that people want to listen

His research floors me. You'll notice that his "7 Deadly Sins of Speaking" are rampant! Even in your own habits! I remember the first time watching this video, and thinking..."How many times did I use the word 'super' today to describe something? 'My class was super boring.' 'My roommates have been super annoying lately.' In addition to the word 'super'...weren't all of those also complaints?!"

It's interesting what we shoot from our mouth without actually comprehending what message it sends. In a family setting, think about the times you allowed anger to get the best of you, and said something that belongs only on a reality TV show.

I can clearly remember one experience I had with my sister Natalie, in which we had some trivial argument not long before we went to bed in our shared room. She had a ritual where each night, after turning off the lights, she would say, "Goodnight, Terri. I love you. I hope you sleep well!" This particular night, even after yelling at me just seconds before, she completed her ritual. I fumed. I replied back through the dark, in the most mocking tone I had, "Goodnight, Nat. I hate you. I hope you have a terrible sleep!"

It wasn't long before I heard her sobbing. I didn't feel one bit guilty that night, because I fell asleep angry. I don't recall what the apology process was like, but I have remembered that story since our young age. Reflecting on it now, I think about how careless I was with my speech. To me, I was just delivering a counter that I felt was equal to her previous attacks. In reality, I was sending the message of the worst kind. The opposite of love, the epitome of all dislike and contempt; flat-out hate. A desire to not be in a relationship with her. And you better believe that was the message she received.

Communication between family members can be callous. More often than not, our family members are the victims of our most poignant attacks of speech. With all that we feel towards our family, do we really want our speech reflecting false attitudes towards them?

How have you seen the power of communication make or break family relationships?

How have you seen inconsistencies in your own words and feelings before? Why did it happen?

Learning the Alphabet...But Fancier.

There once was a man named Reuben Hill who noticed that families that lived through the Great Depression were not all alike. He observed that some families were strengthened, while others flopped. How is that possible? If they endured the exact same experience (more or less), why did they have different outcomes? Hill decided to create a model that explains how families go through stress. It's one of the most commonly referred to models in the field of Marriage and Family Studies, and it's called the ABC-X Model. Pronounced exactly how it's spelled.

Each letter of the model represents an element of a stressful situation. Now, keep in mind that a "stressor" is not always bad. A stress is simply an added pressure or strain on an individual, family, or community. If we were talking about an individual, a stress could simply be a promotion at work, a new baby, a party to plan, or a relationship that requires lots of energy. It's broad. Referring back to the model, each letter is an element.

A - The stressor. The actual experience that we are focusing on.
B - Resources available.
C - Beliefs and Perceptions of the stressor.
X - Total experience.

Here's an example of a common stressful event so the parts can be applied to a family. Let's say a young married couple have their first babe. Obviously, the stressor itself would be the baby. We could also add that the events leading to the baby add, such as the delivery, the last-minute preparation, etc. The available resources would be anything considered helpful in the new parents adapting to their new stressor, such as sleep, food, neighbors, babysitters, their religious belief about family, and much more. When discussing their perception, let's imagine this couple planned for this pregnancy, and they both have been dreaming of being parents since their formative years. In that case, they probably believe this is the happiest event of their life so far. Finally, with the combination of all three elements being as they are, their total experience is that of joy and a bright outlook on the future.

When Hill observed and applied the ABC-X Model to many families, he found that the most influential elements are B and C. Above all, C is the most powerful. How people believe and view their experiences is what they become. In the case of our young family, what do you think their experience would have been if they believed that this new baby was a burden? If they felt they were unprepared and unequipped to handle it? Their total experience would drastically change. In addition to that, imagine the different utilizing their resources makes. Do you know of any young couples that didn't need help immediately after having a baby?

The ABC-X Model gives us a wonderful understanding of what to focus on when in stressful situations. It's important to know your resources, how they help you, and to LET them help you. More than that, however, it's important to understand the big picture. Why do you think stressful things happen? Do you think it's punishment? Do you think it's a learning opportunity?

The Cantonese figure for the word "crisis" is actually the combination of the two words "danger" and "opportunity." Each time we encounter stress, we actually have the choice of how it affects us. We get to choose if it makes us, or breaks us. We get to decide if we grow bitter, or better. It's a beautiful thing to have control!