Some Knowledge on Divorce

Divorce has been a developing hot topic for decades now. Have you ever heard someone quote the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? It's referenced throughout churches, pop culture, and even entertainment. However, this statistic is outdated.

There was a spike in the number of divorces shortly after the Baby Boom, and the children of that generation of divorce were affected. Another spike in the number of divorces occurred in the 1970s, when a group of researchers decided to make a projection of what the divorce rate would be at this time. The divorce rate was not 50% then, and it is not now. Many census surveys indicate a rate more comparable to 25%.

Even though the correct rate is considerably lower than the public's perceived rate, there is still caution to be taken. Some family scientists say that divorce rates increased when California precedented a "No-Fault Divorce", in which there does not need to be a legitimate reason for divorce approved by an authority for it to occur. Why do you think this would affect people's choice to divorce?

A spiritual point of view would bring up the term "covenant." A covenant is an agreement made between two parties under the conditions of a superior party. The inferior parties must play by the superior's rules in order to benefit from the arrangement. When No-Fault divorces were passed, individuals in marriages were no longer inferiors. They weren't playing by anyone else's rules. The idea that marriage was a covenant practically vanished.

You may have heard that people that are religious are more likely to stay married. That's true. With an understanding of what a covenant is, it's easy to recognize that individuals who hold themselves and their marriage accountable to a supreme being find it unreasonable to divorce.

Divorce is a hard event, and often leaves a lifetime of adjustments and adaptations for families to fight through. Although it's unfair to say that divorce is 100% preventable, it IS fair to say that understanding the purpose of a marriage is crucial to its success.

The Deal With Punishing Children

Let's iron out this first issue. "Punishment" is used in psychology talking about training animals. Children are not animals. Parents should not implement punishment, they should regulate consequences.

Parents often find themselves in a battle of whether or not they should interfere with children's dumb decisions. Michael Popkin, a revered expert in parenting, offers some advice in this area. He suggests that parents take a very hands-off approach when it comes to allowing their children to learn by trial and error. After all, it's argued that one of the best ways to learn is by your own mistake. However, that suggestion comes with a big fat, BUT.

Children do a great job learning from natural consequences of their actions. For example, let's say a child leaves his bike in the lawn overnight. The next day, when his bike is rusted and non-functioning, he will remember not to leave his next bike on the lawn. Popkin explains that there are three scenarios in which parents should, in fact, intervene and implement consequences. LOGICAL consequences.

1. If the natural consequence is dangerous for the child. Example: a child wants to do drugs. That's dangerous. A parent should intervene.
2. If the natural consequence is too far in the future to effectively be the teacher. Example: a child doesn't want to go to school. They desire to drop out. A parent should intervene...because a child wouldn't be able to learn from this mistake until many years later.
3. If the natural consequence affects another person besides the child themselves. Example: a child keeps a friend out past their curfew. A parent should implement a consequence if the child doesn't understand their fault.

It's only under these three scenarios that Popkin feels it's allowable to implement LOGICAL consequences. So then, what is a logical consequence? A logical consequence is one that can be reasonably connected to the offense. It's illogical to hit a child for leaving the milk out. It IS logical however, to not allow them to drink milk the next time they ask for it...considering they might have ruined the milk.

How children feel around their parents greatly affects their well-being. With Popkin's idea of only implementing consequences when absolutely necessary, children will feel more trusted, more loved, and will be able to develop in a natural manner.

How the Industrial Revolution Ruined Families

Take a quick peek into history and think about the pattern of work and the family. In ancient times, what were the careers of most fathers? What about most mothers? Even children? With very few exceptions, families throughout history have been together in their daily life. The nuclear family in the early 1800s would most likely consist of a father who farmed, a mother who farmed, and children who helped farm. This situation, having little to no variation, allowed families to spend the majority of their time together.

Contrast this scene to today's nuclear family. A father who has a day job, a mother who may also have a day job or works at home, and children who attend school during the day. How did we go from families who spent their entire lives together to a state of established independence from one another?

The Industrial Revolution was the first major implementation of what I call "optimization". Optimization is the process of making every part of a system function to its greatest capacity, in a system where production is at its greatest capacity. It's utilizing every part. It's become the most efficient. It's organizing in a way that gets the most results. It's....intense. Men, women, and children were offered jobs for pay in which their unique skills were utilized...apart from each other. In regards to the purpose of families, the purpose of growth and learning and strengthening friction, can you see how this change in organization affects relationships?

I don't think it's wise to analyze this situation we are in with only a lens of disgust. I don't think the Industrial Revolution has ruined families' chances for growth, love, and healthy relationships. However, what adaptations need to be made so that families can still fulfill their purpose in today's world of optimization?

"Out of the Abundance of the Heart, the Mouth Speaketh"

How often have you tried to explain a thought process or an idea, but you feel like it just didn't sound the same way it felt in your brain? It's so easy for us to feel required to speak. When someone asks a question, when we feel we need to address an issue with someone, when we are in another's company in there is silence. However, how often do we speak and we are not really listened to, or understood? 

There is a great power in the words we choose to use, as well as all other forms of communication we convey; such as tone and body language. I have been a long-time fan of this particular TED Talk, and I would love to share it now.

Julian Treasure: How to speak so that people want to listen

His research floors me. You'll notice that his "7 Deadly Sins of Speaking" are rampant! Even in your own habits! I remember the first time watching this video, and thinking..."How many times did I use the word 'super' today to describe something? 'My class was super boring.' 'My roommates have been super annoying lately.' In addition to the word 'super'...weren't all of those also complaints?!"

It's interesting what we shoot from our mouth without actually comprehending what message it sends. In a family setting, think about the times you allowed anger to get the best of you, and said something that belongs only on a reality TV show.

I can clearly remember one experience I had with my sister Natalie, in which we had some trivial argument not long before we went to bed in our shared room. She had a ritual where each night, after turning off the lights, she would say, "Goodnight, Terri. I love you. I hope you sleep well!" This particular night, even after yelling at me just seconds before, she completed her ritual. I fumed. I replied back through the dark, in the most mocking tone I had, "Goodnight, Nat. I hate you. I hope you have a terrible sleep!"

It wasn't long before I heard her sobbing. I didn't feel one bit guilty that night, because I fell asleep angry. I don't recall what the apology process was like, but I have remembered that story since our young age. Reflecting on it now, I think about how careless I was with my speech. To me, I was just delivering a counter that I felt was equal to her previous attacks. In reality, I was sending the message of the worst kind. The opposite of love, the epitome of all dislike and contempt; flat-out hate. A desire to not be in a relationship with her. And you better believe that was the message she received.

Communication between family members can be callous. More often than not, our family members are the victims of our most poignant attacks of speech. With all that we feel towards our family, do we really want our speech reflecting false attitudes towards them?

How have you seen the power of communication make or break family relationships?

How have you seen inconsistencies in your own words and feelings before? Why did it happen?

Learning the Alphabet...But Fancier.

There once was a man named Reuben Hill who noticed that families that lived through the Great Depression were not all alike. He observed that some families were strengthened, while others flopped. How is that possible? If they endured the exact same experience (more or less), why did they have different outcomes? Hill decided to create a model that explains how families go through stress. It's one of the most commonly referred to models in the field of Marriage and Family Studies, and it's called the ABC-X Model. Pronounced exactly how it's spelled.

Each letter of the model represents an element of a stressful situation. Now, keep in mind that a "stressor" is not always bad. A stress is simply an added pressure or strain on an individual, family, or community. If we were talking about an individual, a stress could simply be a promotion at work, a new baby, a party to plan, or a relationship that requires lots of energy. It's broad. Referring back to the model, each letter is an element.

A - The stressor. The actual experience that we are focusing on.
B - Resources available.
C - Beliefs and Perceptions of the stressor.
X - Total experience.

Here's an example of a common stressful event so the parts can be applied to a family. Let's say a young married couple have their first babe. Obviously, the stressor itself would be the baby. We could also add that the events leading to the baby add, such as the delivery, the last-minute preparation, etc. The available resources would be anything considered helpful in the new parents adapting to their new stressor, such as sleep, food, neighbors, babysitters, their religious belief about family, and much more. When discussing their perception, let's imagine this couple planned for this pregnancy, and they both have been dreaming of being parents since their formative years. In that case, they probably believe this is the happiest event of their life so far. Finally, with the combination of all three elements being as they are, their total experience is that of joy and a bright outlook on the future.

When Hill observed and applied the ABC-X Model to many families, he found that the most influential elements are B and C. Above all, C is the most powerful. How people believe and view their experiences is what they become. In the case of our young family, what do you think their experience would have been if they believed that this new baby was a burden? If they felt they were unprepared and unequipped to handle it? Their total experience would drastically change. In addition to that, imagine the different utilizing their resources makes. Do you know of any young couples that didn't need help immediately after having a baby?

The ABC-X Model gives us a wonderful understanding of what to focus on when in stressful situations. It's important to know your resources, how they help you, and to LET them help you. More than that, however, it's important to understand the big picture. Why do you think stressful things happen? Do you think it's punishment? Do you think it's a learning opportunity?

The Cantonese figure for the word "crisis" is actually the combination of the two words "danger" and "opportunity." Each time we encounter stress, we actually have the choice of how it affects us. We get to choose if it makes us, or breaks us. We get to decide if we grow bitter, or better. It's a beautiful thing to have control!

Hi-Fi Marriages

Many people are fans of Hi-Fi music, or high fidelity sound. What makes Hi-Fi sound so unique, is its complete trueness to sound. Having a high amount of fidelity means it is as close to the real sound as possible; including all imperfections. When listening to a Hi-Fi sound, you may hear an occasional squeak from the guitar fret, or the scrape of the musician's shoe on the ground, or a mistake in the performer's voice. Listeners enjoy this style because of the raw effect, the truthfulness in the talent of the musicians.

How does this relate to fidelity in marriage? In simple terms, in marriage, you receive a trueness of another person. You witness all perfection, all imperfection. High fidelity in marriage also translates to meaning complete truthfulness of yourself. It's a complete dedication of your goods and your bads to your partner.

I don't find it necessary to relay the statistics of people's well-being in marriages where fidelity is broken, because it's well-known that it's not good. One fact that may not be well-known, is that a full disclosure of yourself to one person who in return, gives full disclosure of themselves, brings a complete happiness that matches the description of "perfect" in the scriptures. A "perfect" that means complete, whole.

Lobster or Turkey: How Traditions Matter

My dad's dad, affectionately called Pop Pop, hated eating turkey. He felt that every single holiday consisted of a turkey dinner in his home. When he raised his own family, they celebrated Christmas with an array of seafood...because turkey was overrated. My dad and my mom continued that tradition early after their marriage, but transitioned into a prime rib dinner instead.

Traditions are funny, because they can make or break relationships. Why are people so attached to set ways? Especially Christians, who believe in changing for the better! Traditions have been studied, and the findings conclude that traditions strengthen relationships. There's a sense of security in knowing that the same people enjoy the same things in the same way with you each year.

Because traditions are so closely tied to relationships, it's no wonder newly married couples have a hard time agreeing on them. Each spouse may be so closely tied to their family's original traditions that they find it hard to budge. When faced with the dilemma of choosing traditions or creating new, what's a family to do?

Traditions are patterns of behavior that are derived from values. Think of common traditions, and analyze them to what their true purpose is. You'll find that it boils down to a core value that the family is trying to instill. So in an effort to select or create traditions for a new family, first establish what values you want. Then build from there!

Greek (and Terri) Thoughts on Love

Defining what love is...well, it’s hard.

There are lots of opinions floating around varying in cultures, ages, religions, etc. For example, Mulan’s family might say that love is bringing your family honor. A kindergartner might say that love is chasing someone at recess. A Christian might say that love is sacrifice. The list goes on!

The Greeks noticed the evolution of the word love, and postulated four definitions that can help us understand what someone could possibly mean when they say they love tacos as well as their spouse.

Storge (Store-gay) is maybe the most familiar form of love, and that’s a love comparable to that of a parent to its child. Storge love is no respecter of persons; a person (the child) could be stupid, smart, rude or kind and the loving individual (the parent) would still love them. Even if the love is unreciprocated.

Philia (Feel-ee-uh) is most easily understood as a love between friends. Philia between a man and a woman would equate to a platonic relationship. Love between friends is deep, strong, protective, but not romantic.

Eros (Air-ohs) is the most popular version of love. It is the erotic, romantic, chocolate and flowers, snuggling, kissing, heart beat quickening, nervous chatter, sweaty palms, and RomCom love. It’s important to understand that it is above lust, however. Lust is not love. Eros is a love where feelings take over.

Finally, Agape. This is a selfless love, one which the loving person desires nothing but the best for the well-being of others, whether they are close to them or not. This can be closely associated with charity, or the pure love of Jesus Christ. Many Christians look to Christ’s example of Agape love because of His pureness of heart in giving his life to help others live freely.

In terms of marriage, it's not fair to say which Greek definition of love is the “best”. Can you see how each definition plays an integral role in a marital relationship? When it comes to defining love, packaging it into one short-and-simple line of a Hallmark card limits our capacity to love. Because if we think that love is only available in a romantic relationship, we may label ourselves as incapable to love if we have no boyfriend or girlfriend or marriage. If we think that love is having protective feelings for our spouse but no attraction, our intimate relationships will wane. If we think that love is when maintaining strong relationships with family members, then we mistake periods of estrangement for hate.

The Greeks were on to something, and that is that love is fluid. If you believe love is good, and that you should have it at all times, then these four definitions will help you maintain your goal. I’ve learned that when I spend too much time trying to define love, I lose it. When I spend my time trying to feel it, I find it.

When do you feel love?

Therapy Thoughts on Same-Sex Attraction

I’ve sometimes wondered why homosexuality exists. Most often, I’ve reduced my conclusion to, “That’s just their path of experience, I guess.” I didn’t really think much of it because I haven’t experienced it. I know people who have, and it’s never affected my relationship with them. All in all, I didn’t ever care that much.

My apathy changed directions when I recently watched this video, titled Understanding Same-Sex Attraction, produced by an organization called Family Watch International. This video interviews several men who have changed from being homosexual to heterosexual, and what that process entailed. What caught my attention the most was an acute definition given to explain what exactly homosexuality is, and how it occurs.

That is, that homosexuality is the sexualization of unmet fundamental emotional needs.

It’s often hypothesized that homosexuality comes from genetics. One study done observed a large number of identical twins, who have identical genes, and found that only 11% of the sets of twins displayed homosexuality in both twins. This discredits the idea that homosexuality is genetic, so it leaves us to hypothesize what in people’s environments affects their sexual orientation.

The above definition of homosexuality floored me. I have actually heard a similar definition from Dan Oakes, a popular therapist who specializes in addiction recovery. He teaches that for every fundamental need the body has, there is a physical urge that indicates that need isn’t met. When we need energy, we feel hunger. When we need love and affection or to feel connected, we feel sexual urges that attract us to people. When working with pornography addicts, Oakes mentioned that the most successful practice to overcome that tendency is for the afflicted person to call a friend or family member just to talk in the midst of powerful urges. Just in exchanging conversation with people that are important in their lives promotes feelings of love and acceptance, thus relieving the sexual urge and desire to view pornography.

In the case of homosexuality, the urges indicate the same unmet needs. It’s some researcher’s belief that people who have heightened same-sex attraction are quite similar to people that have heightened opposite-sex attraction. The difference is that most people who have same-sex attraction were either subject to some form of sexual abuse early in life, or they lack acceptance by their same gender to the point of emotional damage.

Another important thing to understand about people with same-sex attraction, is that they are not always subject to depression as most people imagine. Devout advocates for marriage between a man and a woman often believe that depression in homosexual individuals is an indication that they are living incorrectly. Then how do we explain the majority of homosexual people that are completely healthy and content with their lifestyle?

Remember this, depression is a physiological response to when one’s expectations and hopes do not align with reality. People who perceive that they SHOULD be married to someone of the opposite sex, but who feel same-sex attraction, are more likely to experience depression than someone who EXPECTS to be married to a person of the same sex and is in fact, living in that manner. Clinical depression is about what individuals perceive as normal and what’s happening, not what others perceive as normal for them.

This is obviously just one theory of how and why homosexuality exists. Of all the research I’ve read, I gravitate towards this definition the most, simply because it demonstrates how closely all humans relate. Each one of us is desperate to feel loved and connected, and it helps fuel compassion and understanding to know that there is little that separates people of different sexual orientations.

What's Better for the Family, a Trailer or Mansion?

When you think about social class, do you think about money, neighborhoods, vacations (or the lack of vacations), or even speech? These attributes are what the majority of people base their judgement on. Here are two videos that can give a sketch of some the attitudes people have about the class system in America.

People Like Us: Tammy's Story

People Like Us: Trouble in Paradise

The class system almost directly opposes the founding principles of America, so it’s often uncomfortable for members of classes to admit that they even exist. However, as illustrated by the videos above, classes and their accompanying attitudes are real.

What people often tend to disregard is how classes affect families. In Tammy’s situation, think of the remarks her son made about his unhappiness in family life because of his mother’s situation. In “Trouble in Paradise”, think of the comments made by the woman in regards to her fiance’s level of class, and what effect their relationship will have on future children.

It’s easy to see from those two examples that classes can damage families. But maybe that’s not always the case. Could you see how social classes could benefit families? In thinking about his question myself, I’ve thought about how a family could be strengthened when they endure the whiplash of social class change together. Let’s say a family goes from comfortable living to a humble trailer similar to Tammy’s due to a loss of income by one or both parents. If handled with correct principles in mind, any family could find that experience to be integral to their happiness. If relationships are allowed to be torn by anger of ruined reputations in society, any family could fall. So which is better, a trailer or a mansion? Does it really matter? 

Both scenarios depend solely on a family’s choice of believing in society’s opinion, or believing in family bonds.

Which do you think is stronger?

What Causes Babysitter Mutiny: An Explanation of The Systems Theory

Families are different from one another. Anyone that has been on Earth longer than a week can figure that out! Have you ever wondered why people act the way they do? Why they think the way they think? Why they say what they say, accept what they accept, or detest what they detest? These facets of an individual are primarily influenced by the role they play in their family, in addition to how their family functions as a system.

This explanation of why people are the way they are is called the Systems Theory. A theory is an attempt to explain phenomena. In other words, a theory is a guess of why something happens the way it does. Lauer and Lauer (2012) explain the Systems Theory as an “intimate group [that] must be analyzed as a whole…” and as one that can be described as a sum that is greater than its parts. They also assert that each member of the system affects all other members, and that if a part of the system is malfunctioning, the entire system needs to be addressed rather than the malfunctioning part. This implies that a malfunctioning part of a system is actually a result of an imbalance; it’s an indicator that the system is not functioning correctly.

If that didn’t make sense, here is a real world example. When therapy was first starting to become popular in the 1950s, psychotherapists treating middle-aged women with depression found that some were unresponsive to counseling and medication. They emerged with a new method, marriage therapy, in which the afflicted woman and her husband were counseled on their relationship. The women showed remarkable improvement! A similar phenomenon occurred when children were unresponsive to therapy; family therapy came to be. Both of these scenarios illustrate that the Systems Theory is in effect; that is, that a system that is out of balance can affect its parts, and that fixing the system is what fixes the parts.

Me (left), Natalie (Right)

One example of how a part can malfunction comes from my childhood. My sister Natalie is three years older than me, and I love her. I was usually (somewhat) obedient, and I hated getting in trouble. Natalie was soft spoken and also avoided conflict. However, when my family would leave her to babysit me...suddenly things changed. Natalie became the boss, and I became a one-girl rebellion. Things went nuts. I remember locking myself into rooms, throwing markers, slap-fighting, and just screaming. My behavior flipped so fast, and there was nothing that could calm me down. Unless, the system went back to normal. When mom and dad came home, order was restored. I felt physical relief as they walked in, and I just knew everything would be okay when Nat wasn’t the boss. Then I went back to loving her. Simple example, but can you see how my behavior was changed by the system changing rather than by me?

See? We made up by 2014.

Reflect on your own family, and think of a time where someone’s behavior changed dramatically. Now dig deep. Why did their behavior change? What change of balance did your family experience that affected them? For example, a parent left, oldest sibling moved out, a sibling passed away, a new baby came, a child rebelled, etc. Was it a positive change? Negative change? What did your family do to achieve an equilibrium, or happy balance, again?

The Systems Theory teaches a powerful principle about family, and how its dynamic has an effect on each of its members. If you feel as though your family’s equilibrium was lost and hasn’t been regained, take heart. Roles are fluid as life happens. You may find that hardships you or a family member are experiencing can be helped by a slow but sure attempt of reaching homeostasis in the family; whether it be rebuilding relationships, taking over responsibilities, or even just talking about the issue. Know that there is always room for change, and that it’s worth it!

The Want for Gaucho Pants: Current Trends in Marriage and Family Relations

I can recall my first day of the seventh grade, walking through Highland Jr. High School’s triangular courtyard, observing my classmates’ first-day-of-school outfits. One outfit sticks out in my memory, and it was a fashionable girl wearing a pair of brown gaucho pants, a tight camisole, and a sequined shrug over her shoulders. I immediately thought, “I need those pants.”

Yikes.

Much like trends have been observed in fashion, trends have been observed in patterns of marriage and family relations. Listed below are the nine current trends in America observed by researchers in the field of Marriage and Family Relations. For the sake of simplicity, I have forgone listing the statistics of each trend, but these statistics can be found in the source at the end of this post.

In no particular order:

• Premarital sex has increased
• Babies born to unwed mothers has increased
• Adults living alone have increased
• Cohabiting (unwed couples living together) has increased
• Average age of marriage for men and women has increased
• The number of Stay-At-Home Moms has decreased
• Birth rates have decreased
• The number of divorces has increased
• The average household size has decreased

In examining each of these trends, I found one principle that I would like to offer as a foundation from which decisions can be made in marriage and family relations. That is, that trends should be addressed if they worsen the life of a child. I understand that defining what “worsens” the life of a child is subjective. However, most people agree on what hurts a child versus what strengthens them.

I’m not stating this principle for the well-being of the child alone, but for the implications a child’s well-being has for the future as a whole. The effects that several of the current trends in marriage and family relations have on children are changing our future. Take for instance, the increase in children born to unwed mothers. Numerous studies have been done in which conclusions show that grown children of single mothers lack in education, economic standing, and emotional/mental health compared to grown children raised by two parents that were married. It's been projected that increasing the number of children born to unwed mothers also increases the future percentage of adults that are less educated, less wealthy, and less mentally/emotionally healthy. Do you agree?

I knew at thirteen years old that avoiding comparison and saving money were more important than gaucho pants. Now, I understand that the principles I choose to believe affect my behavior. In regards to the current trends in marriage and family relations, I think the negative effects our generation’s decisions have on our children today are changing the future in ways that are not desirable. For that reason, I feel we should change the current leading trends.

What principles do you use to decide what’s important, or unimportant, in marriage and family trends?

Which trends do you feel should be addressed? Which trends do you feel should be continued?


Source: Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer (2012)

What's the Big Idea?

I’m on a quest for becoming learned. We all are, right? Specifically, I want to be learned in Marriage and Family Studies. In my efforts, I’ve signed up for class titled “Family Relations”, in which I will be studying...well, family relations.

Because I believe in the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I believe that families are the “fundamental unit of society”, and the training grounds for progressing towards exaltation (a.k.a. eternal life in the presence of God...a.k.a. Heaven). That’s a big deal! However, that’s only one side of it. Families are a big deal outside of the spiritual aspect of mortality.

Families are where individuals are formed. Families are where each person gets their start at life. Families affect how we think, act, feel, and who we become. If we understood what family relations are capable of, in respect to each individual’s future decisions and behaviors and the effects they have in society, we would take our familial roles and relations more seriously.

That’s what I wish. I wish that everyone could see how family relations are among the most influential elements of their life. I wish that everyone could understand that for that reason, family relations need to be respected and understood. In this blog, I will be sharing the academic principles I learn that help us understand family relations and their influence on each one of us as individuals, and in our society.